Brainworks® - How To Become Bully Proof

How To Become Bully Proof

"In the end, we will not remember the words of the bullies,
but we will remember the silence of our friends."
- Martin Luther King

ASK THE EXPERT
Question:

My daughter is 15 and a freshman in high school. She has ADHD and can be very hyperactive. This can make her a target for being bullied. Girls that she considers to be her friends can turn on her in a flash. Their favorite tactics are to exclude her, ignore her or make fun of her. It crushes my daughter. She doesn't know whom she can trust. One minute they can be her friends, and the next she is ignored. How can I teach my daughter to stand up for herself?

Answer:

I feel your pain. I hope you read the last article I wrote on "Bullying Has Become A Crisis." Bullying is unfair and one-sided. It leaves the victim feeling frightened, emotionally hurt, threatened, and left out. Girls' bullying usually includes spreading rumors, gossiping, and excluding. This is done either in person or in cyberspace. Bullies enjoy the feeling of power and seldom own up to what they are doing. They play innocent.

You need to know some facts from "The Bully Cycle and ADHD" by Joan Teach, PhD.

  1. Children with ADHD tend to be bullied four times more than their non-ADHD peers.
  2. 30% of children with learning differences are bullied. Usually both the victim and bully have reading and writing problems.
  3. Both the bully and the victims often have elevated anxiety and are at a greater risk of dropping out of school.
  4. Retaliation is the reaction of many bullies for being victims themselves.
  5. 42% of teens with Internet access have been bullied online. It is so easy and is not face-to-face.
  6. 21% of teens have received threatening messages.
  7. 58% of teens have sent mean and threatening messages. (If it is in print, it is taken as gospel truth.)
  8. The bullying cycle increases the incidence of drug and alcohol abuse.
  9. Bullies are four times more likely to be convicted of a crime by age 24.
  10. Technology makes it possible to:
    1. Bully by direct hits (slander, porn, pictures, etc. using a website or blog).
    2. Attack by proxy (getting someone else to do the dirty work).
    3. Become a victim without even knowing what is being said until the damage is done. Cyber Bullying spreads very quickly. The world knows even though there is not an ounce of truth in the message.

How to stand up to a bully

  1. Change your daughter's mindset.
    • Get her over the feeling that she has to take the taunts.
    • Teach her to do or say the unexpected. The bully expects her to show fear or anger.
  2. Teach your daughter to have an "I can and I will attitude." Body Language can speak loud and clear.
    • Show her how to create an assertive stance by practicing in the mirror.
      • Look her bully in the eye when talking.
      • Hold her head high.
      • Maintain eye contact and speak clearly.
      • Practice movements with confidence.
      • Show no fear. Fear can give the bully power, and the bullying can accelerate.
  3. Respond with assertive comeback lines, but turn to leave the scene before the bully can respond. Keep walking with confident body language.
    • Avoid arguing or trading insults with the bully.
    • Your daughter can practice the following comeback lines and discuss with you when they would be appropriate. Have her make up some of her own.
      • How does it feel to be this mean? (Questions shock the bully.)
      • Are you talking to me? You're wasting your breath.
      • I'm glad you noticed.
      • My big ears come in handy when I need to hear your thoughts.
      • I hear you, but I could care less.
      • Are you finished?
      • Do you have a life?
      • I choose to ignore you. You are not worth my time.
      • Aren't you bored yet? You seem to have a one-track mind.
      • Mission accomplished. Move on. Get a life.
      • Do you have anything to do but try to bug me? Get a life.
    • Teach your daughter to remain cool at all cost.

I recommend the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program for schools.
The strength of this program is that it encourages the witnesses to speak up and stand up for the victim. It trains students by role-play and interactive activities.

I have written two books (Teenage Connection and Confidence Power) that work on building self-esteem to prevent bullying. They both have a questioning format to get at the core of the person's value system. We include activities from these books in all of our weekly lessons. We have discovered that when self-esteem improves, students are less likely to be bullied.

"You must be the change you want to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi

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