The frustrating trap of procrastination and homework
Dear Carla,
My son is in third grade. This year is already a disaster, and school has only been in session a few weeks. His teacher says he has missing papers even though I saw him complete them at home. Furthermore, she has sent home lots of assignments he should have completed in school. Every night my house has become a battle scene trying to get him to finish assignments that should take only fifteen minutes because my son can drag out homework for hours. Something is wrong. Can you give me any ideas?
J.C., Plano, Texas
Dear J.C.,
As a mother of three grown sons, I can remember exactly that scene at my house. There are several issues which need to be addressed. First, your son needs an organized system for getting papers back to the school into the teacher’s hands. Most teachers have a special place for students to put homework on a daily basis. Your son should have one folder in a bright color that is designated as “the homework transportation folder.” All homework should go into this folder because loose papers disappear into the pit of “Never-Never Land.” You should make sure he leaves home with a bright Post-It note on his folder or a rubber band on his wrist to remind him to turn his homework into the teacher’s special place.
My second concern is why your son has so much homework that should have been finished at school. If it is only math, he could be having math problems that need to be evaluated. If he consistently has work from all his subjects, he may need to be evaluated by a doctor or diagnostician to find out why he is unable to stay focused long enough to finish tasks. If he has a short attention span, he might work better in short bursts. Use a stopwatch and see what he can do in fifteen minutes; then take a short break. A third grader should be expected to finish his homework in 30-45 minutes for the average school.
Dear Carla,
My daughter is in the seventh grade in middle school. Her English teacher has assigned two long-term projects this six weeks. My daughter finished the first one at the last minute. In fact, she didn’t even start on it until the day before, and she was to read a book, do a summary for each chapter, and develop a five minute oral report on her favorite character. We worked on her project until 2:30 a.m. I helped her because she would have gotten a “0” on her project that was worth two test grades. I don’t want to see this situation repeated all year. What do you suggest?
A.V., Dallas, TX
Dear A.V.,
Times like these cause parents to gray early in life! Our parental instincts say that we need to protect our children from pain and suffering. However, you are part of the “bait and hook” game kids play. They procrastinate to the max, get stressed out to the point of tears, and we help them out. We tell ourselves that this is the last time, but we notice the pattern repeating. We don’t want them to fail, but we are mad the whole time we are helping.
Procrastination habits are hard to break. In fact, I tell parents that this habit can be as hard to break as a drug addiction because the panic causes an adrenaline rush that produces a power to hyperfocus. Kids get hooked and repeat the pattern over and over.
The first step to breaking the habit is to have the student write down the assignments daily. If a project is assigned, the individual writes that project down each day in the planner until it is due. Next, you will need to help your daughter divide up the task and assign parts of the task over several days. No bonifide procrastinator is going to like doing something ahead of the deadline. However, you, as the parent, need to start a reward/consequences program. For example, no T.V. or telephone daily until your daughter can demonstrate that she has completed the designated part of the project. Be strong. You are teaching a lifeskill of time management.
Forgetful and disorganized or learning difference?
Dear Carla,
My son is a freshman at a high school that has “A” days and “B” days for the classes. He has always been disorganized, but this new schedule is disastrous. Even when he does his homework, he forgets to take it to school on the correct day. He also can’t remember to bring home the correct books for that day’s homework. As a result, he is failing three classes. Help!
S.C., Carrollton, TX
Dear S.C.,
I agree with you. That type of schedule is not ideal for the disorganized person. However, there is hope if you change when your son studies for his classes. More than likely, he has decided “A” day homework can be postponed to the next night because it is not due the next day. WRONG! “A” day work needs to be done on “A” day.
Typical teenagers cannot see the point of this reasoning. They would rather delay the “pain.” As his mother, you should insist that assignments are completed on the day they are assigned.
Another suggestion for this schedule is to have an “A” day backpack in one color and a “B” day backpack in another color. When “A” day homework is done, it is immediately put in the “A” backpack. Likewise, “B” day work is put in the “B” backpack.
One final suggestion is to use a locker organizer. All books start out each day at the bottom of the locker. If a class has homework, that class’s book goes on the top shelf in the locker. At the end of the day, the books are organized and ready to be taken home.
Dear Carla,
My daughter makes all A’s, but she studies into the wee hours of the morning to get those grades. She is so exhausted and stressed out that I’m worried about her. I think she is capable of the AP level courses, but I’m concerned she will collapse if she continues this pace. I even let her go to school late one day this week to catch up on her sleep. Even when I tell her to go to sleep, she won’t stop working on her assignments until she’s finished. How do I stop these marathon study sessions?
M.J., Richardson, TX
Dear M.J.,
Your daughter sounds like she is highly motivated, which is a good quality when it is not taken to an extreme. However, you should be concerned that her study routine is causing sleep deprivation.
There are two possible explanations for your daughter’s lengthy study sessions. The first one is that she may actually be struggling in school; her homework obsession may be her way of compensating for a learning difficulty. I would suggest that she be evaluated for possible learning problems such as reading difficulties or attention problems.
The other explanation may be perfectionism. Perfectionists live in fear of failure; they are driven but rigid. The sad thing is that they rarely enjoy their achievements because they always think they could have done better. A single mistake can be devastating to them.
Perfectionists need to learn how to set more realistic goals. Finishing the assignment within a reasonable time frame should be the target goal, so the individual can go to bed at a sensible time. Going to bed each night at the same time helps the “brain” to prepare for sleep.
Perfectionists also have trouble understanding how to balance work and play; they are more comfortable in the workaholic mode. Therefore, they need to learn that relaxation and fun are as important as vitamins for their bodies.
Finally, they should be encouraged to work in short, structured time slots instead of long, open-ended sessions and to stop precisely at the appointed time and reward themselves for their effort. Celebrating little milestones is extremely important for these individuals.
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